Rethinking Community Terminology
For over four decades, those practicing consensual non-monogamy have struggled to find terminology that accurately reflects the essence of their community. This article presents the case for adopting “Poly Social” as a more precise and inclusive term to describe this diverse and evolving culture.
Limitations of Historical Terminology
The evolution of terminology—from Swinging to Lifestyle to Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM)—reveals an ongoing search for accurate self-definition. However, each term carries significant shortcomings:
“Ethical Non-Monogamy” raises subjective questions—whose ethics are we referring to?—leading to ambiguity rather than clarity
“Swinging” evokes the outdated and problematic notion of “wife swapping,” which can imply that partners are property to be exchanged
“Lifestyle” lacks specificity, as countless unrelated lifestyles exist that have nothing to do with relationship structures
Why “Poly Social” Offers Superior Accuracy
“Poly Social”, meaning “many interacting relationships,” provides a more accurate and modern framework for understanding this community. It offers several key advantages:
Conversation starter: Identifying as “Poly Social” naturally invites curiosity and provides an opportunity to explain one’s specific experiences and boundaries
Definitional clarity: The literal meaning—many interacting relationships—directly reflects the foundation of the community
Emphasis on connection: The term centers on social interaction rather than prescribing specific structures or behaviors
Inclusivity: “Poly Social” encompasses diverse forms of consensual non-monogamy without elevating one dynamic over another
Complementing “Poly Social” with “Consensual Non-Monogamy”
While “Poly Social” describes the relational and social aspect, pairing it with Consensual Non-Monogamy (CNM) creates a fuller and more accurate picture. Unlike the ambiguity in the word ethical, consent is clear—it’s either given or it’s not. This clarity helps both community members and the general public understand the foundational premise of these relationships.
Reducing Divisive Language
The community has long suffered from an overabundance of labels that often create unnecessary divisions. Terms like VIP, for example, introduce hierarchical dynamics that conflict with the inclusive values many community members strive to uphold.
Historical rifts between groups—such as between BDSM practitioners and swingers—have further fragmented the broader community. “Poly Social” offers a unifying term that shifts focus toward what connects us, rather than what separates us.
Simplifying Our Communication
Adopting “Poly Social” as a primary term allows the community to communicate more effectively—both internally and with the outside world. When someone says they’re “Poly Social,” it opens the door to accessible conversations about consensual non-monogamy, without requiring complex explanations upfront.
This approach embraces the principle of “Keep It Simple, Sexy” for identity and self-description, while still honoring the nuance and richness of the community. In essence, “Poly Social” communicates both what we do—engage in multiple relationships—and how we do it—through social connection, communication, and consent.
In a world increasingly open to relationship diversity, “Poly Social” offers a term that is accurate, inclusive, and future-facing.